The definition of resiliency is the capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties. While we would like to be able to shield our children from life’s hardships, the reality is that they will face challenges both big and small. One of the best things we can do for our children is to help equip them with the skills to navigate obstacles and bounce back when setbacks occur.

So how do we do that?

There are some fundamental strategies you may already be incorporating into your parenting, such as: providing a structured, supportive environment where children are encouraged to see themselves in a positive light. It’s also important to teach children how to take care of themselves both physically and emotionally, while setting the example as an adult who handles challenges in a constructive way.

There are some other key skills that factor into a person’s general resiliency. They include:

 Emotional regulation

This includes teaching children to recognize and identify their emotions so they can verbalize their feelings. It also helps to teach children coping strategies to help them deal with difficult emotions like frustration or anxiety. Some coping strategies could be meditation, deep breathing, exercise, or talking about the feelings with another person.

 Problem solving skills

Encourage your child to identify the problem rather than just assigning blame. “The problem is we don’t have enough cookies for everyone”, rather than, “You ate too many cookies so now there aren’t enough”. Then work with your child to find a solution. “Is there a way we can still share the cookies with everyone?” Guide your child towards a solution instead of telling them what to do or how to solve the problem. Recognize and appreciate that their solution may be different than yours. Be willing to try it their way.

 Making Mistakes

Allowing kids to try to solve problems themselves will inevitably lead to them making mistakes, but this is crucial to developing resiliency! Recognizing when something isn’t working is just as important as finding a successful solution. Mistakes teach us how to redirect, how to ask for guidance, and how to persevere through challenges. Over time, children who practice decision-making and push through setbacks develop confidence and determination. Children who don’t irrationally fear making a mistake are more likely to step out of their comfort zone and try new things. Healthy risk taking further develops confidence and problem solving skills.

When mistakes happen, take the time to talk through the results with your child. “Did that go the way you thought it would?” “Why do you think it didn’t work?” “What would you do differently next time?” It is equally as important is to ask the same questions when the problem is solved successfully! This helps your child to create an internal road map to navigate future challenges with a successful toolbox of skills.

 Strong Parent/Child Relationship

 Providing a child with a supportive and stable environment where they feel comfortable sharing their feelings and making mistakes is perhaps the most important factor in developing resilience. Parents can also help their child to cultivate close bonds with other relatives and trusted friends. Having a large circle of support provides a framework for your child to grow and thrive.

 Be a Resilient Role Model

 Since children imitate the responses they see from the adults in their lives, present yourself as a calm and regulated person when you encounter problems or stress. When appropriate, share with your child some challenges you have encountered. “Let me tell you about a really difficult problem that I had. I was having a lot of trouble figuring out how to solve it, so I asked _________ for help, and together we came up with a plan. Here’s what happened next…”

 When you show your child that challenges are a part of life, and not something to run from, you will raise a person who is ready to tackle life head-on, and to face difficulties with confidence.

 Source material and resources:

https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/guide-parents-teachers 

https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resource-guides/guide-resilience/

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/default.aspx

 

Note: If you are a parent who experienced childhood sexual trauma, please consider speaking with a mental health professional for the best guidance on how to discuss this subject with your child.

 

We’ve all read the statistics about child sexual abuse. The numbers are infuriating and heartbreaking. I hope we can change them.

Sometimes when a subject is uncomfortable we avoid discussing it. Or maybe we don’t know how to approach the subject so we stay silent. Not talking about this will not make it go away. The only way parents can help arm their children against predators is to teach them what to look for and what to do about it. We can also help our children by learning what to look for as parents.

Tips for talking to your child about body safety:

• Start now!
• Books are a great way to start this conversation; check online or at your local library (preview books before you read them to your child; you my not want to read all of the content)
• Use the wording “safe touching” and “unsafe touching” rather than “good” or “bad”- your child may not want to tell you something if they think they did something bad or wrong
• “Safe” touches help children safe and healthy- these could include a hug, handshake, or even removing a splinter
• “Unsafe” touches hurt our bodies or feelings- these are not OK
• Teach children the proper names for their private body parts so if someone does or says something inappropriate, they can accurately report it
• Teach your child that no one should touch them in the areas covered by their swimsuit (private parts), and that no one else should ask your child to touch them in those areas either
• Teach your child that no one should ask to take or show pictures or movies of anyone’s private parts
• Talk to your child about healthy and unhealthy secrets. Healthy secrets are things like a surprise party or present; the secret will be told and will make people happy. Unhealthy secrets are any secrets about touching, or any time someone tells your child that someone will get hurt if they tell the secret. No one should ever tell your child to keep secrets from parents or caregivers.
• When talking with your child, decide together on 5 grown ups that they would feel safe talking to if someone was touching them in an unsafe way or behaving in a way that was unsafe
• Never force your child to hug, kiss or snuggle with anyone, even older relatives; allow your child to have autonomy over their own body
• Teach your child NO, GO, TELL

1. Yell NO if someone tries to touch you in an unsafe way
2. GO away from the person, if possible
3. TELL one of the 5 grown ups you trust- keep telling until someone listens

Points for parents to remember: 

• Body safety should be an ongoing conversation you continue with your child as they grow, especially when they become more independent and/or begin dating
• Review the talking points before your child goes to a new friend’s house, sleepover, camp, etc.
• It is not enough to talk about “stranger danger”; in most child sexual abuse cases the victim’s family knew the offender
• A child predator will likely look like a “regular person”, and they are really good at gaining the trust of children and their parents
• If someone or something feels “off” to you, trust your instincts even if it means offending someone; teach your child to do the same (our bodies often tell us when something is “off”- heart beating really fast, sweaty palms, tummy ache, legs feel wobbly or wooden, excessive urge to use the bathroom, etc.)
• Always monitor your child when they are online
• Keep communications lines open with your child, even when you may be upset with each other. Your child should always know they can talk to you about anything, especially if someone is hurting them.

Steady, loving guidance and support are the cornerstones of a strong relationship with your child. Regular, open communication with your child is the best way to keep yourself involved and informed about what is happening in their lives and who they are spending time with. This continues to be true as they grow into young adults and begin navigating the world more independently. When your child knows that you will listen to them without judgment, they are much more likely to share information.

If a child discloses abuse, or if you suspect that something happened:

1. Listen carefully to what the child is saying.
2. Tell the child you believe him/her.
3. Tell the child the abuse was not his/her fault.
4. Let the child know you will make a report to help stop the abuse.

In Arizona, Report Child Abuse at:

1-888-767-2445 OR 1-888-SOS-CHILD

 

Additional Resources:

https://kidsfirstinc.org/how-to-talk-to-young-children-about-body-safety/ 

https://www.ymcapkc.org/blog/teaching-kids-about-body-safety-6-tips-teach-children-about-their-bodies-and-boundaries

https://pcaaz.org/

When children start preschool at AFM, they come from a wide variety of past experiences. Some children are accustomed to being dropped off at daycare, and have relatively no anxiety about starting school in a new place. For those children without any past experience with care outside the home, being dropped off at school can be extremely stressful. When the child is anxious and upset about going to school, chances are so are the parents. This stress cycle can be challenging to overcome and can create long term negative feelings about school, which is certainly not the goal!

When assessing a new student, caregivers and educators often use the term “social-emotional readiness”. This term covers the following areas of growth and development: emotional self-regulation, attachment relationships with trusted adults, self-confidence, and the ability to connect with and get along with others. When a child can demonstrate that they are beginning to develop these skill sets, that is a good indicator that they are ready to explore a school environment.

If your child is not showing social-emotional readiness, there are some things parents can do to help.

1. To build emotional self-regulation, practice using “emotion words” at home. Rather than just “happy” or “sad”, start integrating more complex feelings like frustrated, overwhelmed, envious, lonely, nervous, or excited. Books are a great way to introduce these new words to your child, and ones with corresponding pictures help children to understand when they might be feeling the same way. Once you learn these new words, practice using them during daily conversation with your child. “It looks like you might be feeling frustrated with that project you are working on. It is frustrating when things don’t work the way you want them to. Would you like some help, or would you like to keep trying on your own?”
2. Building an attachment relationship with your child is something you are likely already doing! By attending to needs, creating a safe environment and providing emotional support and comfort, parents help the child to develop trust. It is important to create opportunities for your child to be without you for periods of time. Whether you leave them with a babysitter, or drop them off at a playgroup, giving your child the experience to learn that you will come back is really essential in getting them ready for school. If the first day of school is the first time you have ever left them anywhere, you are going to have a very anxious, upset child who will likely have a very negative attachment to their school experience.
3. Children build self-confidence when they are given opportunities to explore their environment and try new things. Simple household chores like dusting and sweeping are great ways for children to contribute to family life and to feel useful. Letting your child know that you don’t expect them to be perfect gives them the support to make mistakes and learn resilience. Confident children are usually excited about attending school!
4. Giving your child lots of opportunities to interact with other children will help prepare them for the social environment they will encounter at school. Playing at the neighborhood park, activities at the local library, swimming lessons and dance classes all give children exposure to other kids. Peer to peer interaction is very different than the parent/child relationship. With peers, children learn how to share, compromise, take turns, solve problems and collaborate. These skills are integral to forming healthy relationships with friends at the preschool age and well beyond.

Taking the steps now to set your child up for a successful start at school will help them to feel confident and excited about this new adventure!

Links to source and supplemental material:

School Readiness- U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services

The Way I Feel, by Janan Cain

Little Spot Box Set

Every parent has, at one time or another, been completely caught off guard by a “difficult question”, dun, dun, dun. You know the type, “Mom, what happens when we die?” or the classic, “Where do babies come from?” Sometimes you panic and blurt out way too much information, and sometimes you may clam up completely, especially if the subject is something you yourself are uncomfortable with. Whether it’s happened to you yet or not, rest assured, it will. Kids are supposed to ask questions, it’s how they learn about the world. If you are prepared with a plan beforehand, you will be able to handle the situation with a thoughtful response rather than a panicked reaction.
Here are some guidelines for preschool aged children:

1. When you get a tough question, listen for what the child is really asking. Ask your own questions to clarify.
Don’t rush to answer. Pause and ask for clarification, which buys you time to choose your words carefully. It also stops you from answering the wrong question. Ask a simple question back to your child: “Why are you asking?” “What would you like to know more about?” “Where did you hear about that?”
2. Give them facts, but at a pace they can manage.
It’s important to understand that children process information in small doses. Give a little bit of information, then stop. If the child wants to know more, they will tell you. They may want to revisit the subject later, once they have processed the information you’ve given. Young children also move on from subjects pretty quickly. They may be done talking about the subject before you are!
3. Don’t be afraid to postpone the discussion if you are mentally unprepared.
“This is an important question, and I’d like a little more time to give you an answer. Can we talk about this tonight after dinner?” This is a good response to have up your sleeve for complex issues or any time a question catches you off guard. It’s also OK to tell your child that you don’t know the answer, but that you will find out and let them know.
Age appropriate books are a great way to help guide the conversation and provide additional information. Read the book together, and then leave it somewhere where your child can read it again by themselves.
4. Follow up.
For serious or complex questions, it can be a good idea to follow up with your child. “Remember when you asked me about _________? Did you think of any other questions about that?”
Or maybe you don’t like the way you initially answered your child’s question. Don’t worry, you can go back and try again: “I am thinking more about what you asked, and I’d like us to find out more of the answer together.”

Talking together about complex, and even uncomfortable subjects, is an opportunity to deepen your connection with your child. Knowing that you are there to listen to them is a very valuable part of the parent/child relationship. You want your child to know that they can talk to you about anything.

Source material:
https://www.npr.org/2019/02/28/698304854/when-kids-ask-really-tough-questions-a-quick-guide

https://amshq.org/Blog/2023-06-12-5-Tips-to-Talk-to-Children-about-Difficult-Topics-When-You-Least-Expect-It

Arguably, one of the most important jobs you have as a parent is to establish boundaries with, and for your child. Children are not capable of establishing their own boundaries, and yet they have a deep developmental need to know what the boundaries are. If you think about it, boundaries are one of the key elements of a civilized society. Boundaries establish which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. This is not knowledge that we are born with; we learn these rules as children. Boundaries must be firm and consistent with logical consequences.

At school, we set the boundaries, or rules, starting on the first day of school.  We post them in the classroom, and we refer back to them often to make sure everyone remembers. We, as the adults, also must comply with them, as we cannot expect the child to do something we are not willing to do ourselves. For example, in the classroom we use quiet feet. If a child forgets and starts running across the room, we stop them, remind them of the rule, and ask them to try again. If they continue to run, they would have to practice walking around the classroom holding my hand for a few minutes. Then we would try again.

Parents often ask me how to set boundaries at home. We suggest that all of the grown-ups in the home who contribute to the parenting sit down together and come up with 4 or 5 rules that are really important to your family. Decide which logical consequences would be applicable if someone does not follow said rules.

For example:

“We will sit down for dinner when mom calls us. If we don’t come when we are called, the rest of the family will start without us. Once dinner is over, it’s over. If you miss it you will have to wait until breakfast.”

These rules will differ from family to family- you have to decide what warrants the most attention in your home. Once you have set the parameters, have a family meeting to share this with your child(ren). If you allow your child to participate in the process, he/she will be much more amenable to the solution. You will need to give your child adequate warning about initiating any new rules or structure. This is a change, and changes take some time to adjust to.

One area where parents seem to have the most trouble with establishing and enforcing boundaries is taking a trip to the store with their child.  Children often seem to think that taking a trip to the store is an opportunity for them to get a new toy, or candy, or treat. It shouldn’t be. Treats are for once in a while and for special occasions. They should not be expected every time you leave the house, or used as bribes for good behavior.

Set the boundaries before you leave the house:

 “We are going to Target and we are buying some new shoes for school. We are not buying toys or candy. We can look at the toys for a few minutes, but we will not be buying any toys today.”

Ask your child to repeat what you have said before you leave the house. Ask them again when you reach your destination, but before entering the store. Hopefully your shopping trip will be successful, but if your child starts asking for things as soon as you get inside, remind them of what you already said. If he/she persists, tell them you will take them to the car and the shopping trip will be over. Be prepared- you may have to carry a screaming child out of Target. It’s a little embarrassing, but absolutely necessary. If you do not follow through firmly and consistently with boundary issues, you might as well not have any boundaries. Inconsistency and lack of follow-through cause complete confusion for the child.

Setting boundaries sets your child up for success in life. As adults, we don’t get rewarded with treats for behaving ourselves and following the rules. What we do get are better interpersonal and professional relationships because we are pleasant to be around. We get to enjoy personal liberty because we understand that rules and laws exist to keep everyone safe. A child who understands the boundaries is a happier child because he or she is content to have their behavior noticed by parents or others, rather than looking for a reward.

I often meet with parents who want to talk to me about getting their child to listen to them at home. Perhaps the child has been in the Montessori environment for a while, and the parents have observed how well their child responds to the teachers at school. They’ll say, “As soon as the teacher asks him to clean up, he does it right away! I can never get him to clean up his things at home.” Or, “I am having a battle every evening to get her ready for bed. What am I doing wrong?” This is how I usually respond: As children get older (usually around 4 years of age, it is very normal for them to begin to challenge rules. This is a period in the child’s development when they are beginning to desire more freedom and independence. It is important for parents to recognize this as a healthy part of their child’s growth process, and also to understand that this phase does need to be managed appropriately. Proper management ensures that the child is able to develop the skills needed for independence and decision making, both of which are highly essential life tools. It is also important for the household to be a place where everyone, including parents, are happy and feeling respected. If parents have had a fairly solid set of ground rules in place in the home up until this point, some simple readjustment is required. If parents do not have a solid set of house rules in place, it is time to do so. To set the plan up for success, I recommend that parents discuss the proposed rules alone before presenting them to the rest of the family. Parents should decide on 3-5 rules that are important to their family needs. For example: We always come right away for when we are called for dinner. Or, We put away all devices during meal times. Or, We always put our things away before getting out something new. Parents must decide what warrants the most attention in their home, focusing on those issues that are causing them the most frustration. There should also be a clear consequence for breaking the rule. For example: If someone doesn’t put their things away before getting out something new, mom or dad will have to put those items away, and they won’t be available to play with for one week.  Or, Everyone who comes right away when called for dinner gets to eat dinner. Those who do not come when called will have to wait until the next meal. Or, anyone using a device during meal times will lose that device until the next day. It essential to remember that everyone in the home, including the parents, must be willing to comply with these rules as well! Focus on 3-5 issues only; too many rules are overwhelming and difficult to follow and enforce. Make sure to compliment family members often for remembering to follow the rules! (“I like how you came downstairs so quickly when I called you for dinner!” Or, “ The living room looks so tidy! Thank you for keeping your things organized.”)  Often children think we only notice when they forget the rules- make sure they know you are also seeing their successes!