The definition of resiliency is the capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties. While we would like to be able to shield our children from life’s hardships, the reality is that they will face challenges both big and small. One of the best things we can do for our children is to help equip them with the skills to navigate obstacles and bounce back when setbacks occur.

So how do we do that?

There are some fundamental strategies you may already be incorporating into your parenting, such as: providing a structured, supportive environment where children are encouraged to see themselves in a positive light. It’s also important to teach children how to take care of themselves both physically and emotionally, while setting the example as an adult who handles challenges in a constructive way.

There are some other key skills that factor into a person’s general resiliency. They include:

 Emotional regulation

This includes teaching children to recognize and identify their emotions so they can verbalize their feelings. It also helps to teach children coping strategies to help them deal with difficult emotions like frustration or anxiety. Some coping strategies could be meditation, deep breathing, exercise, or talking about the feelings with another person.

 Problem solving skills

Encourage your child to identify the problem rather than just assigning blame. “The problem is we don’t have enough cookies for everyone”, rather than, “You ate too many cookies so now there aren’t enough”. Then work with your child to find a solution. “Is there a way we can still share the cookies with everyone?” Guide your child towards a solution instead of telling them what to do or how to solve the problem. Recognize and appreciate that their solution may be different than yours. Be willing to try it their way.

 Making Mistakes

Allowing kids to try to solve problems themselves will inevitably lead to them making mistakes, but this is crucial to developing resiliency! Recognizing when something isn’t working is just as important as finding a successful solution. Mistakes teach us how to redirect, how to ask for guidance, and how to persevere through challenges. Over time, children who practice decision-making and push through setbacks develop confidence and determination. Children who don’t irrationally fear making a mistake are more likely to step out of their comfort zone and try new things. Healthy risk taking further develops confidence and problem solving skills.

When mistakes happen, take the time to talk through the results with your child. “Did that go the way you thought it would?” “Why do you think it didn’t work?” “What would you do differently next time?” It is equally as important is to ask the same questions when the problem is solved successfully! This helps your child to create an internal road map to navigate future challenges with a successful toolbox of skills.

 Strong Parent/Child Relationship

 Providing a child with a supportive and stable environment where they feel comfortable sharing their feelings and making mistakes is perhaps the most important factor in developing resilience. Parents can also help their child to cultivate close bonds with other relatives and trusted friends. Having a large circle of support provides a framework for your child to grow and thrive.

 Be a Resilient Role Model

 Since children imitate the responses they see from the adults in their lives, present yourself as a calm and regulated person when you encounter problems or stress. When appropriate, share with your child some challenges you have encountered. “Let me tell you about a really difficult problem that I had. I was having a lot of trouble figuring out how to solve it, so I asked _________ for help, and together we came up with a plan. Here’s what happened next…”

 When you show your child that challenges are a part of life, and not something to run from, you will raise a person who is ready to tackle life head-on, and to face difficulties with confidence.

 Source material and resources:

https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/guide-parents-teachers 

https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resource-guides/guide-resilience/

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/default.aspx

 

Arguably, one of the most important jobs you have as a parent is to establish boundaries with, and for your child. Children are not capable of establishing their own boundaries, and yet they have a deep developmental need to know what the boundaries are. If you think about it, boundaries are one of the key elements of a civilized society. Boundaries establish which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. This is not knowledge that we are born with; we learn these rules as children. Boundaries must be firm and consistent with logical consequences.

At school, we set the boundaries, or rules, starting on the first day of school.  We post them in the classroom, and we refer back to them often to make sure everyone remembers. We, as the adults, also must comply with them, as we cannot expect the child to do something we are not willing to do ourselves. For example, in the classroom we use quiet feet. If a child forgets and starts running across the room, we stop them, remind them of the rule, and ask them to try again. If they continue to run, they would have to practice walking around the classroom holding my hand for a few minutes. Then we would try again.

Parents often ask me how to set boundaries at home. We suggest that all of the grown-ups in the home who contribute to the parenting sit down together and come up with 4 or 5 rules that are really important to your family. Decide which logical consequences would be applicable if someone does not follow said rules.

For example:

“We will sit down for dinner when mom calls us. If we don’t come when we are called, the rest of the family will start without us. Once dinner is over, it’s over. If you miss it you will have to wait until breakfast.”

These rules will differ from family to family- you have to decide what warrants the most attention in your home. Once you have set the parameters, have a family meeting to share this with your child(ren). If you allow your child to participate in the process, he/she will be much more amenable to the solution. You will need to give your child adequate warning about initiating any new rules or structure. This is a change, and changes take some time to adjust to.

One area where parents seem to have the most trouble with establishing and enforcing boundaries is taking a trip to the store with their child.  Children often seem to think that taking a trip to the store is an opportunity for them to get a new toy, or candy, or treat. It shouldn’t be. Treats are for once in a while and for special occasions. They should not be expected every time you leave the house, or used as bribes for good behavior.

Set the boundaries before you leave the house:

 “We are going to Target and we are buying some new shoes for school. We are not buying toys or candy. We can look at the toys for a few minutes, but we will not be buying any toys today.”

Ask your child to repeat what you have said before you leave the house. Ask them again when you reach your destination, but before entering the store. Hopefully your shopping trip will be successful, but if your child starts asking for things as soon as you get inside, remind them of what you already said. If he/she persists, tell them you will take them to the car and the shopping trip will be over. Be prepared- you may have to carry a screaming child out of Target. It’s a little embarrassing, but absolutely necessary. If you do not follow through firmly and consistently with boundary issues, you might as well not have any boundaries. Inconsistency and lack of follow-through cause complete confusion for the child.

Setting boundaries sets your child up for success in life. As adults, we don’t get rewarded with treats for behaving ourselves and following the rules. What we do get are better interpersonal and professional relationships because we are pleasant to be around. We get to enjoy personal liberty because we understand that rules and laws exist to keep everyone safe. A child who understands the boundaries is a happier child because he or she is content to have their behavior noticed by parents or others, rather than looking for a reward.