Note: If you are a parent who experienced childhood sexual trauma, please consider speaking with a mental health professional for the best guidance on how to discuss this subject with your child.
We’ve all read the statistics about child sexual abuse. The numbers are infuriating and heartbreaking. I hope we can change them.
Sometimes when a subject is uncomfortable we avoid discussing it. Or maybe we don’t know how to approach the subject so we stay silent. Not talking about this will not make it go away. The only way parents can help arm their children against predators is to teach them what to look for and what to do about it. We can also help our children by learning what to look for as parents.
Tips for talking to your child about body safety:
- Start now!
- Books are a great way to start this conversation; check online or at your local library (preview books before you read them to your child; you my not want to read all of the content)
- Use the wording “safe touching” and “unsafe touching” rather than “good” or “bad”- your child may not want to tell you something if they think they did something bad or wrong
- “Safe” touches help children safe and healthy- these could include a hug, handshake, or even removing a splinter
- “Unsafe” touches hurt our bodies or feelings- these are not OK
- Teach children the proper names for their private body parts so if someone does or says something inappropriate, they can accurately report it
- Teach your child that no one should touch them in the areas covered by their swimsuit (private parts), and that no one else should ask your child to touch them in those areas either
- Teach your child that no one should ask to take or show pictures or movies of anyone’s private parts
- Talk to your child about healthy and unhealthy secrets. Healthy secrets are things like a surprise party or present; the secret will be told and will make people happy. Unhealthy secrets are any secrets about touching, or any time someone tells your child that someone will get hurt if they tell the secret. No one should ever tell your child to keep secrets from parents or caregivers.
- When talking with your child, decide together on 5 grown ups that they would feel safe talking to if someone was touching them in an unsafe way or behaving in a way that was unsafe
- Never force your child to hug, kiss or snuggle with anyone, even older relatives; allow your child to have autonomy over their own body
- Teach your child NO, GO, TELL
- Yell NO if someone tries to touch you in an unsafe way
- GO away from the person, if possible
- TELL one of the 5 grown ups you trust- keep telling until someone listens
Points for parents to remember:
- Body safety should be an ongoing conversation you continue with your child as they grow, especially when they become more independent and/or begin dating
- Review the talking points before your child goes to a new friend’s house, sleepover, camp, etc.
- It is not enough to talk about “stranger danger”; in most child sexual abuse cases the victim’s family knew the offender
- A child predator will likely look like a “regular person”, and they are really good at gaining the trust of children and their parents
- If someone or something feels “off” to you, trust your instincts even if it means offending someone; teach your child to do the same (our bodies often tell us when something is “off”- heart beating really fast, sweaty palms, tummy ache, legs feel wobbly or wooden, excessive urge to use the bathroom, etc.)
- Always monitor your child when they are online
- Keep communications lines open with your child, even when you may be upset with each other. Your child should always know they can talk to you about anything, especially if someone is hurting them.
Steady, loving guidance and support are the cornerstones of a strong relationship with your child. Regular, open communication with your child is the best way to keep yourself involved and informed about what is happening in their lives and who they are spending time with. This continues to be true as they grow into young adults and begin navigating the world more independently. When your child knows that you will listen to them without judgment, they are much more likely to share information.
If a child discloses abuse, or if you suspect that something happened:
- Listen carefully to what the child is saying.
- Tell the child you believe him/her.
- Tell the child the abuse was not his/her fault.
- Let the child know you will make a report to help stop the abuse.
In Arizona, Report Child Abuse at:
1-888-767-2445 OR 1-888-SOS-CHILD
Additional Resources:
https://kidsfirstinc.org/how-to-talk-to-young-children-about-body-safety/