The definition of resiliency is the capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties. While we would like to be able to shield our children from life’s hardships, the reality is that they will face challenges both big and small. One of the best things we can do for our children is to help equip them with the skills to navigate obstacles and bounce back when setbacks occur.
So how do we do that?
There are some fundamental strategies you may already be incorporating into your parenting, such as: providing a structured, supportive environment where children are encouraged to see themselves in a positive light. It’s also important to teach children how to take care of themselves both physically and emotionally, while setting the example as an adult who handles challenges in a constructive way.
There are some other key skills that factor into a person’s general resiliency. They include:
Emotional regulation
This includes teaching children to recognize and identify their emotions so they can verbalize their feelings. It also helps to teach children coping strategies to help them deal with difficult emotions like frustration or anxiety. Some coping strategies could be meditation, deep breathing, exercise, or talking about the feelings with another person.
Problem solving skills
Encourage your child to identify the problem rather than just assigning blame. “The problem is we don’t have enough cookies for everyone”, rather than, “You ate too many cookies so now there aren’t enough”. Then work with your child to find a solution. “Is there a way we can still share the cookies with everyone?” Guide your child towards a solution instead of telling them what to do or how to solve the problem. Recognize and appreciate that their solution may be different than yours. Be willing to try it their way.
Making Mistakes
Allowing kids to try to solve problems themselves will inevitably lead to them making mistakes, but this is crucial to developing resiliency! Recognizing when something isn’t working is just as important as finding a successful solution. Mistakes teach us how to redirect, how to ask for guidance, and how to persevere through challenges. Over time, children who practice decision-making and push through setbacks develop confidence and determination. Children who don’t irrationally fear making a mistake are more likely to step out of their comfort zone and try new things. Healthy risk taking further develops confidence and problem solving skills.
When mistakes happen, take the time to talk through the results with your child. “Did that go the way you thought it would?” “Why do you think it didn’t work?” “What would you do differently next time?” It is equally as important is to ask the same questions when the problem is solved successfully! This helps your child to create an internal road map to navigate future challenges with a successful toolbox of skills.
Strong Parent/Child Relationship
Providing a child with a supportive and stable environment where they feel comfortable sharing their feelings and making mistakes is perhaps the most important factor in developing resilience. Parents can also help their child to cultivate close bonds with other relatives and trusted friends. Having a large circle of support provides a framework for your child to grow and thrive.
Be a Resilient Role Model
Since children imitate the responses they see from the adults in their lives, present yourself as a calm and regulated person when you encounter problems or stress. When appropriate, share with your child some challenges you have encountered. “Let me tell you about a really difficult problem that I had. I was having a lot of trouble figuring out how to solve it, so I asked _________ for help, and together we came up with a plan. Here’s what happened next…”
When you show your child that challenges are a part of life, and not something to run from, you will raise a person who is ready to tackle life head-on, and to face difficulties with confidence.
Source material and resources:
https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/guide-parents-teachers
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resource-guides/guide-resilience/